


The Burden of Guilt

by jenhedgehog



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 14:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15317955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhedgehog/pseuds/jenhedgehog
Summary: "Um... am I doing this right?  It looks like it’s recording...Well, here goes nothing.Hello.  This is Lapis Lazuli.  I... uh... don’t really know if this is going to help me, but I’m taking some advice that I was given a while ago – I’m going to try recording my thoughts."- An angsty oneshot told entirely from Lapis' perspective (recorded onto Peridot's tablet), set after the events of the episode "Reunited".(This is also a spritual successor to one of my previous fics, which was told entirely via Peridot's logs: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13668117)





	The Burden of Guilt

Um... am I doing this right?  It _looks_ like it’s recording...

 

Well, here goes nothing.

 

Hello.  This is Lapis Lazuli.  I... uh... don’t really know if this is going to help me, but I’m taking some advice that I was given a while ago – I’m going to try recording my thoughts. 

 

Something bad has happened.  Well, I mean, something bad _always_ happens.  But _this_... this is all my fault...

 

[ _sighs_ ]

 

I never should have left the earth.  I know I shouldn’t.  But I was afraid.  After what happened in the last Gem War, I didn’t want to get involved again.  Just the thought of... well... I couldn’t go through that again.  I can’t _ever_ do that again.

 

I wanted Peridot and Pumpkin to come with me.  We could have taken our whole lives with us and fled into space!  We’d have never had to worry about the Diamonds ever again.

 

Ugh, why do they have to ruin _everything_?!

 

No... the Diamonds didn’t ruin this.  I did.

 

I tore up our life and took it into space with me.  Peridot is so brave, she’s... um... I guess she’s pretty amazing.  She stood firm and wanted to defend the earth, to defend our life together, instead of running away.  She believed in us, she believed in _me_!  And I turned my back on her and ran.

 

I just... I feel so _awful_.

 

I wanted to go back to earth.  I even ended up on the stupid boring moon just so that I could watch over Peri—uh, so that I could watch over the earth.  I suppose I finally started to believe in this place.  It’s really quite beautiful.

 

I didn’t think that I would be welcome back on earth after everything that happened – after everything that I did.  And Peridot looked so happy without me.  She’s been a Crystal Gem for so long now, I think that she’s really found her place on the team.  I didn’t think that she’d want to see me again.

 

Maybe that’s why she’s taking so long to...

 

Well, anyway.  In the end, I realised that Peridot was right.  Earth is our home, and it _is_ worth fighting for.  So, I came back.  And Blue Diamond certainly didn’t see that _barn_ coming!

 

[ _snort of laughter_ ]

 

Oh stars, it’s not funny...  Now we don’t even have a place to live!  It’s smashed into pieces across the beach along with all our meepmorps and our DVDs and...

 

Yeah, I even destroyed our home.  Some Crystal Gem I’m turning out to be.

 

I guess the reason why I’m recording my thoughts is because I just feel so guilty about what I’ve done.  It was something that Peridot said had helped her to stop feeling bad when she was first stuck here on earth.  And that’s why she gave me her tape recorder – which I... um... I broke it right in front of her.

 

She really loved that thing, too.  I don’t understand why she stayed around me after that.  She believed in me even when I don’t believe in _myself_.  And now she’s poofed, because I couldn’t defend her from Yellow Diamond!  I should have done something sooner, it should have only been _me_ who poofed... I didn’t want Peridot to go through that agony.

 

Looks like I really suck at being a _friend_ , as well as being a Crystal Gem.  Peridot has been so good to me, and _this_ is how I repay her.

 

If I had never left the earth in the first place, I would have been able to fight with her properly.  We’d still have the barn, and maybe we’d have won against the Diamonds without Peridot having to get hurt!  It’s my fault, all of this is my fault.

 

I hope that I... um... can make it up to Peridot.  She’s a good friend and I... I suppose I really like her.  A _lot_.

 

I’ve never spoken to her about this, but perhaps I should.  She’s the most important Gem in my life, I haven’t ever met anyone quite like her!  I sometimes think that I might be in—

 

[ _clears throat_ ]

 

I just want her to come back.  We need to talk about everything that’s happened.  I need to tell her that I’m sorry.  She deserves an apology, it’s the least that I can do for her.

 

Things are never going to be the same now, though.  I’ve destroyed what we had before.

 

I just wonder if... maybe we can start again?  We’ve lost the barn, but it was only a building.  It stopped being _home_ as soon as Peridot and Pumpkin were missing.  _They_ are my home – not some crummy old barn.

 

I just hope that Peridot feels the same way.

 

Peridot, I... I’m _so_ sorry.  I should have been there for you sooner.  I know it’s a little late, but I’m here now, and I’ll never leave again.  I promise.  You didn’t deserve _any_ of this.

 

I’m done with running away.  It’s time for a fresh start, as a Crystal Gem.  I can’t change the past, but I’ll never forget what’s happened because of me – and I _won’t_ let it happen again.

 

[ _shuffling sound, followed by silence_ ]

 

Okay, I think that’s everything for now.  Let me just... oh, how did Peridot used to sign off on these things?

 

Um... Lapis Lazuli, Facet 5, end log.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Lapidot Angst Week day one (prompt: guilt).


End file.
